Searching, Yearning

You have now had some time since your loved one died. Your loss probably seems both real and unreal at times. You may often feel disorganized and restless. You may find it difficult to speak of your loved one in the past tense or to think about change or the removal of those things which help you remember them. You don’t have to do so yet. Give yourself time. You will remember those things about them, which are important for you to remember. You may also feel the need to return to places where you last saw them alive.

The questions, “Why wasn’t I more caring”, “Why didn’t someone help?” may be especially important to you right now. You may also idealize your loved one and yet feel angry with them for leaving. All of these feelings and experiences are perfectly natural. They are a part of the self-healing process of grief.

You are confirming for yourself the reality of the death of your loved one. As painful as it is and as confusing as your emotions can be, you need to decide what you are going to do about what has happened, what was done and what you feel. Major decisions such as moving or changing jobs should probably be postponed for at least a year. You can, however, decide to channel your feelings in a constructive way. You can decide that, whatever you may or may not have done, the most positive thing you can do now is take care of yourself. A good way to do that is to seek the support of others. They may, especially if they too have lost a loved one, be able to help you see yourself and your situation more clearly and help you make sense out of it all. If there are support groups available in your area, take advantage of them.